threesomes

A three-in-a-bed session can sound like a lot of harmless fun but I know this issue causes a great deal of unhappiness and conflict between many couples.

The most common situation I hear about from readers seems to be that it’s the man who first raises the idea of the couple taking another man or woman into their bed.

He finds thinking about it very arousing – it’s almost like an extension of reading a sexy magazine or watching a video, a sexual fantasy. He may have been finding his ordinary married or regular sex life a bit dull, so goes on and on at his partner not to be prudish.

She may or may not agree to give it a try but if you are caught in this dilemma, whatever stage you have reached in this, let me suggest you stop right now.

Perhaps there are a few couples who happily manage three-in-a-bed sessions on a regular basis and never let it affect a close and loving relationship, but they are so rare I have never come across them. Yet week after week I hear from couples who have experimented and been made very miserable.

The trouble is that real people don’t behave like the fantasies and usually have very muddled feelings.

A husband who has pushed his wife into making love with another man may then reproach her for being unfaithful to him – You should have kept saying no,? he moans.

He may say he now feels he can never trust her again and leave – what a way to discover that what was arousing him wasn’t really the idea of “swinging” but old-fashioned sexual jealousy.

Or the woman may decide she’s fallen in love with the other man. We all have some problems in long-term relationships. It’s all too easy to fall for the idea that someone you’re sharing different and exciting sex with would actually be a better life partner, is a lovelier person.

Sometimes it’s true. More often they’re just a different person – and it’s always worth wondering what sort of person they really are to get dragged into all this in the first place.

If it’s another woman you’ve invited into your bed, then all the same problems can arise the other way round. A wife may find she’s tormented by images of her husband with the other woman in their bed.

She may have agreed to go along with the idea of a three-in-a-bed session, may have thought it sounded like fun, but afterwards discovers it’s ruined the happy sex life she and her husband used to share. That can place a terrible strain on their relationship even if he never sees the other woman again.

Even worse, a wife may find she’s been sidelined and her husband is clearly keener to make love to the other woman than to her. She may worry – and perhaps have good reason to worry – that they are having an affair.

Long-term relationships always have their niggles and shared responsibilities. A different partner can make you feel better not because they are a better lover or person, but just because they aren’t directly connected with your day-to-day life. It’s escapism but, unfortunately, someone always winds up hurt.

Threesomes can also play up doubts about sexuality. If one of you is keen to have someone else of the same sex in your bed, is it just to thrill your partner, or is it that you are more gay than you’ve perhaps admitted or even realised?

If that could be an issue, then my special free leaflet Gay worries? would help you sort out your feelings, but what more commonly lies behind people’s urge to try a three-in-a-bed session is difficulty in giving themselves over to real intimacy. They don’t really surrender themselves to experience the depth of emotions and passion that can be aroused and satisfied by quite conventional love-making.

This will often be linked with difficulty in sharing open affection in day-to-day life too. If you can learn to trust your partner with your deepest feelings, then your love-making can be so rich that you feel no need to involve others to spice it up. That can be far more satisfying, as well as safer.

Making such a change will usually involve shifts in a couple’s whole relationship – and is best attempted with the help of a counsellor such as through Relate (0300 100 1234, http://www.relate.org.uk or see your local phone book).

Other reasons for feeling tempted by three-in-a-bed can be that you have a sexual problem which needs sorting out – difficulty in reaching orgasm or maintaining an erection, for example. If so, please let me know and I can send you details of self-help and expert sex therapy.

It could be there is some tension in your relationship which needs looking at. As I’ve said, our sex lives and our feelings are closely linked. Difficulties in our sexual relationship are very often symptoms of more general problems.

A woman who is always tired out because she shoulders most of the chores at home as well as having a paid job, for example, will lose interest in sex. A man who is overwhelmed with worries about holding on to his job may well find his sex drive crashes.

You may be able to sort these out by talking between you – perhaps taking some time out, such as a weekend away from the home and kids. If you get stuck, Relate counsellors are trained to help you work through just such difficult issues (contact details as above).

If you’d like any further help such as my leaflet of 50 tips to brighten your sex life, do let me know. Please email problems@deardeidre.org. I’ll look forward to hearing from you.

Source: thesun.co.uk